Going, going, gone !

If you read the Albuquerque Journal, you just saw this exact same headline a couple of days ago - Going, going, gone! I want you to know - I did not copy their headline. I had actually started putting this blog entry together before this issue of the paper was printed. In fact, if anything, they probably stole it from me. I do have this problem from time to time where different elements of corporate America spy on me to get some of my better ideas and then claim them for their own. I do, after all, have such an abundance of these ideas.

Actually, the Journal was making reference to Rudy Giuliani and John Edwards dropping out of the primary races. My reference was along the same lines but more of an appeal.

I was going to ask you - and will ask you at this time - to be aware, and keep your eyes open over the next seven or eight months, and if you should all of a sudden come across a little pile of clothing in the middle of the sidewalk - a pair of trousers, socks and underwear, a Denver Bronco sweatshirt, and a cap - please stop for just a few seconds and give this little pile of rubbish a brief moment of reverence as opposed to just dumping it in the trash.

This little bit of clutter on the sidewalk - just might be me - or what is left of me. Everything else will have evaporated. So, I am kind of like Giulani and Edwards. They are dropping out of the primary race. I am getting close to dropping out of the human race!

My last blog entry on December 30th, I gave a report of my weight loss and how it had come down from around 250 to 172 in a little less than a year. Now it is down to 158 - or I am losing about 1/2 pound per day - on average. That is why - in six or seven months there will not be anything left of me but my belt buckle and the other remenents mentioned above.

As I mentioned in my last entry - the recovery period has been the very toughest past of the process for me, and while I should be bouncing off the walls and ceiling with joy because the surgery was so absolutely successful and all of the cancer has been removed, I find myself in the grumpy negative frame of mind because of all I am going through with the recovery. This is the main reason for the delay in getting this blog entry out - I hate negative and am not really interested in writing all of you - whom I consider my favorite people and best friends and complaining.

The loss of weight has caused a loss of energy as well and I just feel guilty when I sit around the house not ccomplishing anything. I used to never watch TV and I am now becoming an expert. I have even figured out which of the four different remotes does what. I have watched the political rubbish and that is enough to make you so sick you wouldn't notice anything else.

I have worried about the weight loss - after all it has to stop some place short of the belt buckle and Bronco shirt - and I have gone to my own doctors here. I have had numerous blood tests, x-rays, EKG's, and everything checks out okay. And the doctors all say I am doing great. How can I be doing great when I am evaporating away into thin air? It is just all part of the process - I guess. I finally decided enough was enough when I passed out at home a couple of times. First time I was here alone, the second time Mary was here and heard me come crashing down in the hallway. The second time I went down backwards and put a nasty lump on the back of my head when I hit a cabinet with my head. Right away, my good wife who is always on the spot, decided we needed an ice bag on my head. We haven't had an ice bag in the house for years - we never need one. Without a moment's hesitation, she was up and back with this nice cool sensation on the back of my head - a bag of mixed frozen vegitables. Next time I get a haircut I will need to remember to ask the barber to trim the corn around my ears. (You might like it if he would also trim some of the corn around my blog entries - sorry about that.)

There are a couple of other factors that affect me and might not affect everyone else. I am not a good patient. I go to the doc and they want to put me in the hospital and after arguing they agree to let me come home if I promise to stay home for two weeks. Three days later I am feeling better - so I go to work. The doc gives me a bottle of pills and both the doc and the bottle tell me to continue to take the pills until they are gone, After three or four days I am feeling better - no more pills. With my current problem it doesn't seem that it ever gets better and if it does it is in microscopic elements. I never get to the point where I can ignore the doctor's advice.

This past week I hve gone to two more doctors - an Endocrinologist and a Gastroenterologist. They both told me how great I was doing and one of them told me I had just gone through the most serious surgery you can have and 25% of the people who have this surgery don't survive. I mentioned this last time - they keep reminding me of this. I guess it is to make me grateful for being alive - which I definately am. So - What do I have to complain about? They are going to take me back in and put me under and go back in through my throat and check evrything out again just to make sure there isn't a bottle cap or a chicken wing or something down there that is fouling up the works.

Another major thing, which maybe only affects me, is something I never thought about. Before I was dignosed with cancer - I was an old man by a lot of people's standards. However - I didn't know that. I worked with young people - some young enough to be my children and some even young enough to be my grandchildren. I loved it - I enjoyed working and socializing with these people - they were fun and they kept me young. As long as I could avoid looking in a mirror as a reminder that I was just an ugly old man - I got along fine. Life was good, I enjoyed life, I loved these people I worked with and happiness was all around. And of course I also enjoyed dealing with people my own age and even older. I just enjoy people - period.

That person that I was and enjoyed being is dead now. He no longer exists. I am still an old man but I am aware of the fact that I am an old man every moment I am awake. Maybe it was time I grew up and acted my age but I don't want to be hung up in the closest some place until they decide to get rid of me. I know - this whole thing is stupid - but it has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I am used to getting up and going to work and inter-acting with people all day - I have done this all my life. Now, I am pretty much stuck at home and I crave just being with people. I look like someone from a third world country who gets a cup a rice once a month.

But - it is all going to get better - I am confident of that. I have started back on the exercise program and will have the procedure down my throat, go back to Houston in April - and there will be rebirth of Superman - fear not!!!!

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It has been almost a year now and you have been my fantastic friends and supporters and have made a huge positive difference in my attitude and recovery. The blog has been fun for me and it has also been very theraputic for me. As we wind down with cancer news, I will keep you inofrmed as best I can, but I will continue to do a blog on some other subjects and try to make it a fun thing. I will let you know when it will be coming - if you like it (which I hope you will) great, if not - that is okay too. I will still love you!!!!

AL